I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
