My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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