he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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