Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
