I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Randomize
