I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
My ATM looks so different sober.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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