I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
