I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Randomize
