Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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