I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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