i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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