How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
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