omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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