I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
