I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
