I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
