My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I miss vodka workout Fridays
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Randomize
