I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
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