Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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