Whod you bang
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
