Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
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