found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
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