She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
