I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Randomize
