Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Randomize
