I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
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