Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Did you pee in the oven last night??
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