well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
