How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
