Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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