I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
