I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
