True but thats because hes a fetus.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Randomize
