I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
either way he was missing a nipple.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
