just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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