found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
