there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
