never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
