You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
