I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
She bit a glass in half.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
