If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
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