had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
