Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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