What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
