where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
you mean i was at the winter classic?
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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