I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
it's like heaven, but drunker
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
