In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
