I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
