$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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