is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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