hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
