Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
It's blow job season.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
